hey Whanau, to get my message u need to get me 
so here is me in a nut shell……..
I am 35, married (11 years) have three amazing bois (7,8,9), I am someone who was lost, but I am now someone who was found.
I have early memory’s of things not nice, I remember being interfered with when I was young, being forced to smoke and drink and that was used to keep me quiet about other stuff, I was anything but happy, I was anything but popular, the first time I contemplated killing my self was when I was 10 years old, I was watching a truck come past and I wanted to walk out and be run over, at 10years old I understood hurt, but worse yet I thought to doe was better than to talk.
I never wanted to speak to any of my parents about the way I felt so I resorted to other methods of crying out for hope the main one was stealing, I so wanted them to notice something was wrong and make me talk, but like many kiwis we as a family did not really do feelings.
I was a fat wee Boi when I was year 7 or 8 and that was when NOONE was over weight, it is way more acceptable and common now to see bigger kids, but when I was young I was one of three in a school of hundreds. people did not like me, infact people waited for me just to make my day harder, to have no friends, to be fat and have no self esteem, all by the age of 11 can make u make some real bad choices.
AGE 13……. starting high school when u are as round as u are tall is awful, it set me up from the very start to be a target for people (a very big target I might add) and a target I become, I was beat up , spat on, laughed at, pushed, poked and prodded EVERY DAY I was at high school, I started to develop a strong self loving and a massive distrust in people, there were pockets of people who were nice but the bad far out weight that, I was so much of a target that grown men used to pick on me as I walked to school, I had to walk up rattary street some mornings and because of my size it looked funning bright red and slow, well some men in a furniture shop used to welcome each morning with hey fatty, hey u fat wee @#$%^!@ u don’t deserve to live, and then they must have thought I was dirty cause they would pour boiling water out the window on me and try to burn me.
at age 13 I cut myself for the first time, I remember I wanted to do something, my head was exploding with rage, I wanted blood but was to scared to act, so one night in my room I wiped the tears took my compass and dragged it down my arm, it gave me this rush it felt right to hurt myself because I was such a loser, everyone thought it was ok to hurt me so why shouldn’t I hurt myself, this put into action the beginning of the end for me.
I started to do stuff that made me feel better, I thought cutting worked, well it turned out I thought drugs and alcohol did the same, well let me state this here…. IT DOES NOTHING IT FUELS THE HOPLESS THAT U ARE TRYING TO DEAL WITH. I then one day upped my game and started to be violent towards people, I had been practicing for a while on one of my brothers the fastest and best way to make people drop and (I hope and pray everyday that my brother can one day forgive me for what I subjected him to) and this started to become the new way I dealt with things.
when I left school I looked for the fastest way to mess my life up, I found people who would accept me, and it meant for that I had to act a certain way, in all this I was never happy, every time I hurt someone, every time I done something I should I felt a little more of me dying, I wanted a way out and I knew that I could never live a life the way I was.
on the way into town one day I got to thinking how easy it would be to make it stop, so I tried, I took a whole lot of drugs went down a straight road and instead of turning at the end I went straight into the pole, I was taken to hospital and was charged with careless use of vechaile cause they found so many drugs in my system but I knew why I hit the pole.
I have tried two other times to make things end, but both times have failed, and today I thank God for keeping me safe, you see GOD valued ME even if I didn’t.
I become addicted to three things in life, drugs, anger and money, I started o develop a way to use people to make them feel like crap to get what I wanted, I figured out that by scheming I could get whatever I wanted !!!!!!!!!!
LETS GO FORD A FEW YEARS
as I lay in my hospital bed, not knowing if I was going to be blind, covered in bruises, cuts, I was swollen and I had had enough, that experience in my life was the deciding factor for me, as I lay in bed I had planned out the way to once and for all take my life BUT as I lay there was a song on the radio that come one, it was by a band called chumba womba and it was called I get knocked down…… it was weird cause the hook line of the song was I get knocked down but I get up again anit never going to keep me down, this song echoed in my head and actioned a change is me that wanted to find a way to live not die
things didn’t really change for me lol after that once I was healed it started all over again the fighting the drugs the abusive and destructive lifestyle choices and one day that all changed……………….
as I sat in my cell waiting to be sentenced I made a deal with God I simply said if I go home today I will stop this and never be this person again, I remember standing in front of the judge, no family there, no friends for support as my lawyer was bargaining with the judge for my sentence to be lowered to between 2-3 years, the crimes I was up on were not minor so the lawyer was trying to get a reduced sentence not no sentence. I remember the loneliness of that doc and then there it was the first time in my life I felt peace, I look at the judge as he midsentence stopped my sentencing and stared at me, with a caring look in his eye he told me he was sending me home, he let me walk out of that court room with only a sentence of supervision and counselling.
to this day I have never been that person again, I get glimpses of him from time to time, but that defining moment in my life showed me that I had not failed to take my life, but rather saved from it, when I lost all hope of life GOD stepped in and become my hope at the time I did not see that, but I know it was now…… I am so thankful for the fact I was spared form that life and now live the life I lead now
As these blogs progress I will be talking about different struggles that life can through at u, different things that I had to work through but with a common thread….. the hope I found in JESUS CHRIST
KEEP WATCHING for the next post of ” the diary of a Strange Boi”